I wrote this poem on a whim after finding inspiration from a picture of myself at a younger age…
There’s something about being innocent and pre heartbreak.
There’s something about hair that’s virgin to bad haircuts.
There’s something about lips that have never been kissed.
There’s something about putting on too much lipgloss because it was the only form of “makeup” you felt compelled to wear.
There’s something about the brightness within eyes that are virgin to iPhone and iMac desktop screens.
There’s something about having jet black hair virgin to hair experiments.
There’s something about having pre pimple, flawless skin.
There’s something about taking a perfectly executed selfie before it was labeled such a thing via a bulky Kodak camera.
There’s something about not knowing that capturing a moment would be so very vital to your future self.
There’s something about thinking that you’re ugly when the boys at school just needed glasses.
There’s something about not knowing just how strikingly beautiful you are simply because you don’t have a boyfriend.
There’s something about being 15.
P.S. Oh, “How I wish I could be where I was when I wanted to be where I am now.”
XO, Raenewed Lifestyle
I asked my mother recently what my five-year plan should be and she said, “Find yourself.” Now when she first said this all I could say back was how I am currently working on finding myself. How finally for the first time in my life I am trying to make active decisions to exercise, eat healthy, trying to forget about trying to get married to somebody’s son, and prepare myself fully for everything that God wants to give me once I’m ready. My mother clarified that what she meant by finding myself is for me to dedicate my time to finding a solid source of income and pursuing my dreams without excuses.
The entire conversation came about through me discussing a high profile black actor of right now. I was talking to my mother about how he is the type of guy that I would want to be with. And then I made the mistake of asking her if she thought a guy like that would be with a girl like me. Now if you know my mother she hates for anyone to think less of themselves at the sign of someone else who they think may be better than them. And with me specifically she has told me time and time again that I need to look in the mirror and realize who I am and what I have to offer and remind myself of that. So when I kept probing her for the answer to my question on whether a guy “like that” would be with a girl like me. She just kept staring at me like she was refusing to give me the answer I already knew for myself. Which is that I can obtain whatever it is that I want if I put in the work and commit to being myself without trying to be anything for anyone.
I’ve had many conversations with many people about guys that I have worked so hard to try and get to let me in. I talked to one of my guy cousins about a guy that I went to see after three years of not seeing him and my cousin just looked at me like “What is it that you want with someone who could care less about how you were for three years?” I’ve also had several conversations on my body image and getting myself right for the right person and people look at me like I’m crazy like “Girl, you better realize what time it is in your life.” I mentioned wanting to stop aging at this point in my life so that I can maintain my youthful looks and my five year old nephew intervened and said, “You don’t have to look beautiful you just have to be who you are.” When a five year old has to offer wisdom there’s a problem.
I guess what I’m coming to understand is that my search to invest quality time into myself shouldn’t be centered on being what a certain type of guy would want me to be for them. But rather on what God, the God whose son Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins, wants for my life. I have been resisting this truth. I have been resisting putting in the effort to really get to know God, I think because I’m scared of how fast my life will start moving in the direction that God planned. I’m scared of not knowing what the answers to my questions for God will be. For once in my life I wouldn’t be able to fall back on the crutch of looking to the lifestyle of any desirable man for standards in order to receive love. I would be looking to the author of love himself God. God is love. And he will equip me with every tool I need to get to a point in my life where everything I need starts falling into place without me questioning family members in an unconfident and insecure manner. Bullying them in the quest for answers they know I’m equipped with finding on my own. Even in writing this post I am fighting for my life. And you can too. And hopefully in five years or sooner I can say that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. XO, Raenewed Lifestyle
There’s something about a deceitful person who finds it their goal in life to make people feel consistently responsible for everything bad that happens to them. There are two people who have been anchors in my life for a very long time now and I was really close to one of them. At one time I saw this person as my best friend but they chose to show exactly who I guess they always wanted to be via the way in which they behave when it comes to me in relation to the things that I tell the truth about. And the way in which I know I am right in presenting these truths is that when I present them this person proceeds to shut down the conversation in an effort to avoid its solution, almost as a wall of defense in the face of progress.
I don’t know how my relationship with my immediately family is going to be moving forward but I do know that I want to be strategic in who and what I give my time to because even family can serve as the death of you. And as much as I have been raised to believe that family comes first and foremost many people in my life have succumb to merely nothing because of the very sacrifices they have made for family. The very fact that there is a bible verse about a friend being able to be closer than a sibling speaks to the fault within even the closest blood relationships. The verse says “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24) And please don’t confuse God’s word with my opinions and decisions, my point is that a friend can be closer than a sibling. And due to there being a lack of strength within some familial relationships. In my opinion sometimes there are boundaries that can and need to be formed even with blood relatives because some people just don’t get it. And that is okay.
Every day I will be putting time into being my best self even if that means distancing from those people who do not serve my life well, family or not. Not in a bitter way but in a true and authentic and genuinely protective and God driven purposed life type of way. I am constantly working towards being one with my potential and my best life and I will always work for things to improve for their best. I know that some people find it hard to be honest with themselves because of the many requirements and pressures of society. But honesty is a way of avoiding the very paths that bring stress, misery and your least fulfilled life. I am hoping that one day I will be able to live in some degree of harmony and respectfully reciprocal understanding with my immediate family. Until then I have to strive to stay alive and be healthy so that I can live on purpose for as long as possible. There is much to be done, and I believe I am someone who was called to do that “much”. XO, Raenewed Lifestyle
This will be my last blog post for awhile, I have really enjoyed writing to my petite audience over the course of the last few months. And I thank you all for allowing me to be open with you about the various aspects of my life and journey to my RAENEWED LIFESTYLE. I have learned so much these last few months about dedication to healthy living which has so much to do with exercising and eating well but also as much to do with relationships and mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.
I’ve gone back to willpower in the sense that my first post on this blog pertained to willpower and how it is an essential part of making healthy eating choices and pushing yourself to go exercise. And just this past weekend when I went to visit a friend I succeeded in putting my willpower into action by saying no to all the bad eating habits that I usually partake in when with friends. I was so proud of myself and I felt the best I’ve felt in a long time, and very confident in my skin. That confidence also had a lot to do with my success on my hair journey which I discussed in an earlier post. I was originally striving to wear my hair in it’s most natural state but now I’m back to the basics of getting my natural hair blow dried, and then heat styled with a curling iron. And I am so happy with it because it’s the hairstyle that I maintained during some of the happiest periods in my life.
On to love, I contacted the guy that I referred to in my last post and it’s not that I will find love with him. But it’s more about what I’ve found I value the most after having ample time over the last three years to reflect about my life, my regrets, and my mistakes. I really value more than anything, love. And I want to obtain love and I want to experience being in a relationship with the love of my life. Whoever that may be. I want to have quality, loyal, trustworthy friendships. And I want to have smooth relationships with all of my relatives. I also want to fall in love with my dream again and pursue it with vigor. These two songs below describe a lot of what I feel about love and life in the present. And we’ll all just have to wait and see what the future holds. As always…
Committed, RAENEWED LIFESTYLE
Lately my posts could be perceived as slightly mundane but I perceive it as getting closer and closer to where it is that I’m really suppose to be mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, etc.
In combination with a cold caught from the rain, after already not feeling that well, I started to reflect this week on my past. Specifically my high school years. I have been out of high school for going on three years now and these past three years have been taxing because I’ve learned more in these past three years about life and who I want to be than ever before. The saddest part about my past I’d say is the loss of a possible love. I am someone who believes that there is someone out there for every individual with whom they’re meant to spend their life with. Well although I don’t believe that you can’t find love after missing out on that person or deciding to not give that person a chance. I do believe there’s a window of time for that one individual who was made especially for you. That person for me was a guy I befriended in eighth grade. We were friends, we were young, and we were goofy as ever. Young, careless, and not aware of what life was to bring us. Although I was a little more mature for my age due to having all older siblings and hanging around my older family members for the majority of my life, there were still areas in which I was clueless on how to handle. Opening myself up to someone who clearly cared about me and wanted to give me the time of day was one of those areas. I was so caught up with looks, and what I thought other people were thinking and would think about me if I was to enter a relationship with him like he wanted us to, that I couldn’t see a good thing if it had smacked me in the face. Now that I think about it we could have been the Dionne and Murray of that school. If only I had paid attention to Clueless sooner.
In all seriousness, that person and I don’t talk anymore and I rarely see him but I do know that he and the group of friends that we shared could have been great additives to my life and my growth as a person if I had valued them more. I can say that I remember my mother telling me to be open to the possibilities and to not be so closed off to someone who clearly cared about me because I was young and it was okay to take risks and see where things take you. But she also told me over the course of the past two days that even though I made this mistake of not fostering these relationships, I’m at another prime time in my life and I need to focus on the now so that I don’t miss it. And I am going to take this advice unlike those years ago, and I’m going to seize this moment even if it takes everything in me because I know that love is real and what’s meant to be will be. I’ll probably elaborate more on this subject in another post but for now…
Committed, RAENEWED LIFESTYLE
P.S. Never say no to love when you feel it blooming truthfully and from a pure place.
I was just thinking today about how weird life is. Many people have described it as a rollercoaster because as all of us can attest there are the given ups and downs. But there are also those times when you’ve gotten to the part of the ride that doesn’t make your stomach drop too much and brings out the laugh, it’s the funniest part of the ride thus far. But then imagine all of a sudden the ride jolting to an unexpected stop because the ride has malfunctioned. And you wonder to yourself, “What in the world just happened?!”
That’s where I am in my life and it’s the most unsettling feeling because I just knew that I was finally in a place of acceptance. But a person can only accept so much. I know that this too shall pass. And I have a feeling that although the ride has come to a jolting stop I can get it riding again if I keep moving on. If I throw out the kinks through busying myself with things that make me happy. Maybe pick up a new hobby, take lessons on an instrument I’ve always wanted to play, lose the rest of those unwanted pounds, continue to work towards receiving great grades in my classes. I know that this is a trial that I’ve been given for a reason and if I decide to take it with a grain of salt I’ll find myself bloom more than ever before. This RAENEWED LIFESTYLE is kicking me in the buttocks. But I’m still…
Committed, RAENEWED LIFESTYLE
P.S. Sometimes when you feel like you’re crashing God has waiting for you a windfall.
I know it sounds a little crazy but today I went to get something to eat with my mother and the cashier at the restaurant was literally one of the most attractive guys I’ve ever seen. He was masculine with no signs if femininity (which is so important). And he seems to have a really cool, mild-mannered personality. Everything about him was working for me and I just wanted so bad to strike up a conversation and move forward, you know get a number, something. But, I was stopped by something big inside me at this moment in my life and that is my infinite will to be in love with myself before falling in love with another. And I know that talking to a guy doesn’t mean I’m going to marry him but I tend to just look at the bigger picture and I feel like before entering that whole territory of being open to other people and I have some things that I want to get right with self.
My lack of confidence, my low self-esteem, and dissatisfaction with my state of health and ability to be comfortable in my own body since fourth grade is something I’ve always wanted to fix. I remember hearing a character in a movie say, “If you want to change me something about yourself, then change it.” And that’s so true, why continue to wait to change things about myself for myself that will allow me to move further, faster, and more efficiently into the future. I want to be sure in who I am so I feel as if I have myself prepared and ready so that I can be open to relationships and other great things. I want to find a way to be my own hair whisperer even if that means listening to what hairdresser it responds to best. I want to be able to in any moment present an aspect of my personality eloquently and neatly through my fashion. I want to be and present the best version of myself on the regular.
One of the easiest ways to get closer to achieving a goal is setting a reasonable goal for yourself. So in getting to my best state of health I’ve found some great inspirations. Individuals who have a similar body frame as I do, to make my body goals more realistic and solid. These two individuals for me are Hayden Panettiere and Christina Milian. I also draw from healthy lifestyle inspirations like Gabrielle Union and Sanaa Lathan. and fashion inspirations like Zendaya and Tracee Ellis Ross. Hair inspirations like Tracee Ellis Ross and all the other fierce naturals that I see on Pinterest. So for now I’ll keep working on myself and my health goals so that I can move confidently into my next phase of life. I want my physicality to solidify my spirituality, so that every part of me can work strongly together as one.
Committed, RAENEWED LIFESTYLE