I wrote this poem on a whim after finding inspiration from a picture of myself at a younger age…
There’s something about being innocent and pre heartbreak.
There’s something about hair that’s virgin to bad haircuts.
There’s something about lips that have never been kissed.
There’s something about putting on too much lipgloss because it was the only form of “makeup” you felt compelled to wear.
There’s something about the brightness within eyes that are virgin to iPhone and iMac desktop screens.
There’s something about having jet black hair virgin to hair experiments.
There’s something about having pre pimple, flawless skin.
There’s something about taking a perfectly executed selfie before it was labeled such a thing via a bulky Kodak camera.
There’s something about not knowing that capturing a moment would be so very vital to your future self.
There’s something about thinking that you’re ugly when the boys at school just needed glasses.
There’s something about not knowing just how strikingly beautiful you are simply because you don’t have a boyfriend.
There’s something about being 15.
P.S. Oh, “How I wish I could be where I was when I wanted to be where I am now.”
XO, Raenewed Lifestyle
I asked my mother recently what my five-year plan should be and she said, “Find yourself.” Now when she first said this all I could say back was how I am currently working on finding myself. How finally for the first time in my life I am trying to make active decisions to exercise, eat healthy, trying to forget about trying to get married to somebody’s son, and prepare myself fully for everything that God wants to give me once I’m ready. My mother clarified that what she meant by finding myself is for me to dedicate my time to finding a solid source of income and pursuing my dreams without excuses.
The entire conversation came about through me discussing a high profile black actor of right now. I was talking to my mother about how he is the type of guy that I would want to be with. And then I made the mistake of asking her if she thought a guy like that would be with a girl like me. Now if you know my mother she hates for anyone to think less of themselves at the sign of someone else who they think may be better than them. And with me specifically she has told me time and time again that I need to look in the mirror and realize who I am and what I have to offer and remind myself of that. So when I kept probing her for the answer to my question on whether a guy “like that” would be with a girl like me. She just kept staring at me like she was refusing to give me the answer I already knew for myself. Which is that I can obtain whatever it is that I want if I put in the work and commit to being myself without trying to be anything for anyone.
I’ve had many conversations with many people about guys that I have worked so hard to try and get to let me in. I talked to one of my guy cousins about a guy that I went to see after three years of not seeing him and my cousin just looked at me like “What is it that you want with someone who could care less about how you were for three years?” I’ve also had several conversations on my body image and getting myself right for the right person and people look at me like I’m crazy like “Girl, you better realize what time it is in your life.” I mentioned wanting to stop aging at this point in my life so that I can maintain my youthful looks and my five year old nephew intervened and said, “You don’t have to look beautiful you just have to be who you are.” When a five year old has to offer wisdom there’s a problem.
I guess what I’m coming to understand is that my search to invest quality time into myself shouldn’t be centered on being what a certain type of guy would want me to be for them. But rather on what God, the God whose son Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins, wants for my life. I have been resisting this truth. I have been resisting putting in the effort to really get to know God, I think because I’m scared of how fast my life will start moving in the direction that God planned. I’m scared of not knowing what the answers to my questions for God will be. For once in my life I wouldn’t be able to fall back on the crutch of looking to the lifestyle of any desirable man for standards in order to receive love. I would be looking to the author of love himself God. God is love. And he will equip me with every tool I need to get to a point in my life where everything I need starts falling into place without me questioning family members in an unconfident and insecure manner. Bullying them in the quest for answers they know I’m equipped with finding on my own. Even in writing this post I am fighting for my life. And you can too. And hopefully in five years or sooner I can say that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. XO, Raenewed Lifestyle
There’s something about a deceitful person who finds it their goal in life to make people feel consistently responsible for everything bad that happens to them. There are two people who have been anchors in my life for a very long time now and I was really close to one of them. At one time I saw this person as my best friend but they chose to show exactly who I guess they always wanted to be via the way in which they behave when it comes to me in relation to the things that I tell the truth about. And the way in which I know I am right in presenting these truths is that when I present them this person proceeds to shut down the conversation in an effort to avoid its solution, almost as a wall of defense in the face of progress.
I don’t know how my relationship with my immediately family is going to be moving forward but I do know that I want to be strategic in who and what I give my time to because even family can serve as the death of you. And as much as I have been raised to believe that family comes first and foremost many people in my life have succumb to merely nothing because of the very sacrifices they have made for family. The very fact that there is a bible verse about a friend being able to be closer than a sibling speaks to the fault within even the closest blood relationships. The verse says “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24) And please don’t confuse God’s word with my opinions and decisions, my point is that a friend can be closer than a sibling. And due to there being a lack of strength within some familial relationships. In my opinion sometimes there are boundaries that can and need to be formed even with blood relatives because some people just don’t get it. And that is okay.
Every day I will be putting time into being my best self even if that means distancing from those people who do not serve my life well, family or not. Not in a bitter way but in a true and authentic and genuinely protective and God driven purposed life type of way. I am constantly working towards being one with my potential and my best life and I will always work for things to improve for their best. I know that some people find it hard to be honest with themselves because of the many requirements and pressures of society. But honesty is a way of avoiding the very paths that bring stress, misery and your least fulfilled life. I am hoping that one day I will be able to live in some degree of harmony and respectfully reciprocal understanding with my immediate family. Until then I have to strive to stay alive and be healthy so that I can live on purpose for as long as possible. There is much to be done, and I believe I am someone who was called to do that “much”. XO, Raenewed Lifestyle