I asked my mother recently what my five-year plan should be and she said, “Find yourself.” Now when she first said this all I could say back was how I am currently working on finding myself. How finally for the first time in my life I am trying to make active decisions to exercise, eat healthy, trying to forget about trying to get married to somebody’s son, and prepare myself fully for everything that God wants to give me once I’m ready. My mother clarified that what she meant by finding myself is for me to dedicate my time to finding a solid source of income and pursuing my dreams without excuses.
The entire conversation came about through me discussing a high profile black actor of right now. I was talking to my mother about how he is the type of guy that I would want to be with. And then I made the mistake of asking her if she thought a guy like that would be with a girl like me. Now if you know my mother she hates for anyone to think less of themselves at the sign of someone else who they think may be better than them. And with me specifically she has told me time and time again that I need to look in the mirror and realize who I am and what I have to offer and remind myself of that. So when I kept probing her for the answer to my question on whether a guy “like that” would be with a girl like me. She just kept staring at me like she was refusing to give me the answer I already knew for myself. Which is that I can obtain whatever it is that I want if I put in the work and commit to being myself without trying to be anything for anyone.
I’ve had many conversations with many people about guys that I have worked so hard to try and get to let me in. I talked to one of my guy cousins about a guy that I went to see after three years of not seeing him and my cousin just looked at me like “What is it that you want with someone who could care less about how you were for three years?” I’ve also had several conversations on my body image and getting myself right for the right person and people look at me like I’m crazy like “Girl, you better realize what time it is in your life.” I mentioned wanting to stop aging at this point in my life so that I can maintain my youthful looks and my five year old nephew intervened and said, “You don’t have to look beautiful you just have to be who you are.” When a five year old has to offer wisdom there’s a problem.
I guess what I’m coming to understand is that my search to invest quality time into myself shouldn’t be centered on being what a certain type of guy would want me to be for them. But rather on what God, the God whose son Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins, wants for my life. I have been resisting this truth. I have been resisting putting in the effort to really get to know God, I think because I’m scared of how fast my life will start moving in the direction that God planned. I’m scared of not knowing what the answers to my questions for God will be. For once in my life I wouldn’t be able to fall back on the crutch of looking to the lifestyle of any desirable man for standards in order to receive love. I would be looking to the author of love himself God. God is love. And he will equip me with every tool I need to get to a point in my life where everything I need starts falling into place without me questioning family members in an unconfident and insecure manner. Bullying them in the quest for answers they know I’m equipped with finding on my own. Even in writing this post I am fighting for my life. And you can too. And hopefully in five years or sooner I can say that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. XO, Raenewed Lifestyle