I asked my mother recently what my five-year plan should be and she said, “Find yourself.” Now when she first said this all I could say back was how I am currently working on finding myself. How finally for the first time in my life I am trying to make active decisions to exercise, eat healthy, trying to forget about trying to get married to somebody’s son, and prepare myself fully for everything that God wants to give me once I’m ready. My mother clarified that what she meant by finding myself is for me to dedicate my time to finding a solid source of income and pursuing my dreams without excuses.
The entire conversation came about through me discussing a high profile black actor of right now. I was talking to my mother about how he is the type of guy that I would want to be with. And then I made the mistake of asking her if she thought a guy like that would be with a girl like me. Now if you know my mother she hates for anyone to think less of themselves at the sign of someone else who they think may be better than them. And with me specifically she has told me time and time again that I need to look in the mirror and realize who I am and what I have to offer and remind myself of that. So when I kept probing her for the answer to my question on whether a guy “like that” would be with a girl like me. She just kept staring at me like she was refusing to give me the answer I already knew for myself. Which is that I can obtain whatever it is that I want if I put in the work and commit to being myself without trying to be anything for anyone.
I’ve had many conversations with many people about guys that I have worked so hard to try and get to let me in. I talked to one of my guy cousins about a guy that I went to see after three years of not seeing him and my cousin just looked at me like “What is it that you want with someone who could care less about how you were for three years?” I’ve also had several conversations on my body image and getting myself right for the right person and people look at me like I’m crazy like “Girl, you better realize what time it is in your life.” I mentioned wanting to stop aging at this point in my life so that I can maintain my youthful looks and my five year old nephew intervened and said, “You don’t have to look beautiful you just have to be who you are.” When a five year old has to offer wisdom there’s a problem.
I guess what I’m coming to understand is that my search to invest quality time into myself shouldn’t be centered on being what a certain type of guy would want me to be for them. But rather on what God, the God whose son Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins, wants for my life. I have been resisting this truth. I have been resisting putting in the effort to really get to know God, I think because I’m scared of how fast my life will start moving in the direction that God planned. I’m scared of not knowing what the answers to my questions for God will be. For once in my life I wouldn’t be able to fall back on the crutch of looking to the lifestyle of any desirable man for standards in order to receive love. I would be looking to the author of love himself God. God is love. And he will equip me with every tool I need to get to a point in my life where everything I need starts falling into place without me questioning family members in an unconfident and insecure manner. Bullying them in the quest for answers they know I’m equipped with finding on my own. Even in writing this post I am fighting for my life. And you can too. And hopefully in five years or sooner I can say that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. XO, Raenewed Lifestyle
Lately my posts could be perceived as slightly mundane but I perceive it as getting closer and closer to where it is that I’m really suppose to be mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, etc.
In combination with a cold caught from the rain, after already not feeling that well, I started to reflect this week on my past. Specifically my high school years. I have been out of high school for going on three years now and these past three years have been taxing because I’ve learned more in these past three years about life and who I want to be than ever before. The saddest part about my past I’d say is the loss of a possible love. I am someone who believes that there is someone out there for every individual with whom they’re meant to spend their life with. Well although I don’t believe that you can’t find love after missing out on that person or deciding to not give that person a chance. I do believe there’s a window of time for that one individual who was made especially for you. That person for me was a guy I befriended in eighth grade. We were friends, we were young, and we were goofy as ever. Young, careless, and not aware of what life was to bring us. Although I was a little more mature for my age due to having all older siblings and hanging around my older family members for the majority of my life, there were still areas in which I was clueless on how to handle. Opening myself up to someone who clearly cared about me and wanted to give me the time of day was one of those areas. I was so caught up with looks, and what I thought other people were thinking and would think about me if I was to enter a relationship with him like he wanted us to, that I couldn’t see a good thing if it had smacked me in the face. Now that I think about it we could have been the Dionne and Murray of that school. If only I had paid attention to Clueless sooner.
In all seriousness, that person and I don’t talk anymore and I rarely see him but I do know that he and the group of friends that we shared could have been great additives to my life and my growth as a person if I had valued them more. I can say that I remember my mother telling me to be open to the possibilities and to not be so closed off to someone who clearly cared about me because I was young and it was okay to take risks and see where things take you. But she also told me over the course of the past two days that even though I made this mistake of not fostering these relationships, I’m at another prime time in my life and I need to focus on the now so that I don’t miss it. And I am going to take this advice unlike those years ago, and I’m going to seize this moment even if it takes everything in me because I know that love is real and what’s meant to be will be. I’ll probably elaborate more on this subject in another post but for now…
Committed, RAENEWED LIFESTYLE
P.S. Never say no to love when you feel it blooming truthfully and from a pure place.
This past week has been one for the books. In combination with the amazing weather which has boosted my happy and satisfaction with life’s happenings I have had some not so bright moments. In life there are those instances, situations, and relationships that come along and attempt to dim your light. These things or people that do this can make you feel so down as if life isn’t the gift that it is and as if you aren’t the star that you are. You may be one of billions of people around the world but you are the only you. And your path that has already been set forth by God can’t be altered by other people even if they try to make you believe they have that power over your life. You have to find the strength and courage within yourself and those positive things in your life to motivate you to fight to keep your power. Because you have so much.
I have analyzed this past week and come to the conclusion that I was created with care and put on this earth for a specific purpose and no one and no thing can take away from that unless I release my power, and give up my ability to choose. Today I choose life and love, the most beautiful gifts on this earth. And I choose to use my freewill to live my best life because I will be the only one to blame if I let my life be spent doing anything else. I know that trials will continue to come because that’s just a part of life but I don’t have to give anyone else the opportunity or power to dim my light. Because my light is not theirs to dim. What in life has attempted to dim your light?
Committed, RAENEWED LIFESTYLE